Truth: Missing in Action
Truth. It seems more scarce than ever. In fact, it is straight-up missing in action. Yes, an innate sense of global truth, but just even what we communicate to one another. There seems to be a culture that has emerged where sweet lies are preferred, most obviously in the political world, but in our personal relationships as well. It’s become so prevalent to our way of thinking, even those in Christendom have adopted this new approach and call it holy. What do I mean by that?
As a people, we have been taught that truth is uncomfortable. Truth is hurtful. And it is certainly not polite. I don’t mean the kind of truth that people pride themselves on “telling it like it is”, that kind of truth is often a self-indulgent excuse to be rude, but even the truth about our observations and feelings. This never seemed the American way, but move over, because passive aggressiveness, lies, and deception have taken over.
We see this in how we interact with others. We present a sickly sort of sweetness that communicates that everything is fine and that we accept all things as they are, even if it’s not true. We fear being judged if we share our feelings. We deceive people into thinking we agree with them or even like them, when in reality, we don’t. We think communicating the truth is too harsh and that people can’t handle it — or perhaps it’s a mode of self-preservation because we can’t handle their reaction. But as a result, we trust no one and no one trusts us.
And it doesn’t help that we live in an ultra-sensitive and guarded culture where people react very negatively to truth. We make people feel they are combative for raising concerns, or we get extremely defensive when someone simply has different taste than us, or God forbid, a different opinion. This is causing huge issues for us collectively as everyone ends up feeling frustrated and truly invalidated, the very thing they sought to avoid.
As for me, I deeply value truth and find few share my allegiance to it. I believe it is impossible to progress without it. I’m not saying we should be insensitive to others in our presentation of truth, but we also do them a huge disservice when we make them believe we are something we are not or feel differently than we do. We even think we do them a kindness, but in the long run, it causes unspeakable damage. Because the truth will come out eventually and with it a whole host of hurts and offenses that could have been avoided.
Not that I feel safe in every relationship to be completely honest, but if I attempt to be completely open and honest with you, take it as a huge compliment of the regard I have for you. For those I feel little connection with, it is hardly worth my time to risk the consequences of being completely honest. It doesn’t mean I’ll lie, as I detest inauthenticity, but I will avoid — avoid getting closer, avoid stepping into certain conversations, or just avoid you altogether. But if I truly love a person I will push myself into that uncomfortable zone of honesty because it’s such a rare commodity that I reserve for those I do consider worth the effort.
The truth doesn’t always make me look good either. Sometimes it means admitting my own flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes it means taking responsibility for my own actions. Sometimes it means having that difficult conversation to work through some ongoing issue. Sometimes it means giving an honest critique. And sometimes it means challenging someone because you want the best for them. Either way, it’s painful. We are not taught to value this thing called “truth.” People run from it because it makes us vulnerable and open to scrutiny. But if someone truly cares about us, we hope they will handle that with care.
For me, it is a two-way gift…both my truth and allowing theirs. I also invite those in my life to exercise this same level of honesty with me. I will never shut down a friend who wants to sincerely discuss an issue. In fact, I make it a goal to allow people in my life to feel safe to share difficult truths with me. There are times that is a painful experience, but I respect them enough to allow it. Because there is nothing that clears the air like the sweet, fragrance of truth. And when you do build the trust that comes with honesty, you can also fully believe the good things that person shares as well.
Over time, I have become accustomed to this way of thinking and so if I believe a person is in goodwill, I take it in stride, but for some, that may feel like a new experience and it takes time to feel safe. I get it, but I think we would all be better served allowing people of goodwill the gift of being able to come to us without fear so we can truly go deeper, grow in relationships, and grow as individuals.
It makes your bond with a person much stronger because that is true friendship. Lies may feel good in the moment, but they prevent us from truly knowing one another, knowing each other’s boundaries, knowing offenses so we can attempt to make them right so the healing process can begin, building authentic trust void of skepticism, and most of all knowing we are loved — in the truest sense. Because I believe that is how God sees us. He knows the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and yet he still sent his son to die for us. No lie!
Can you handle the truth?
If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.
—C. S. Lewis
