Reflecting on Another Year
It’s that time again. Next week is my birthday which means one year older, one more year to look back on and reflect. Reflect. Such a typical way for me to pass the time. In fact, it’s such a common theme in my life that I named my first album “Reflections”. And where does it get me? I suppose I progress in many small ways, I’ve even met some important goals, but oftentimes I wonder if I just go in circles.
Can I truly say I’m a better person this year than last year? I don’t know. Maybe that’s not even the goal. Perhaps it’s more about being honest with yourself and willing to be broken and contrite before God. And God knows I’ve spent plenty of time on my face in need of Him this past year. Sometimes I cry out not even certain I truly want a response. Maybe I’m afraid of what He’ll say. He knows me after all…the whole me. The woman, the little girl. Every broken, brittle, rebellious part. I know I can’t hide from Him, so I don’t even try. But even the times I’m not ready for the answers I still run to the comfort of His fatherly love.
How’s that for honesty? It may not seem like much, but bearing my soul is not something that comes easy for me. In fact, I resent feeling vulnerable, yet I know some amount of vulnerability is necessary when writing (which is usually why I save it for songwriting). I just generally prefer talking about what I think rather than feel and save the messy stuff for my closest loved ones. I would argue there is even some wisdom in that as I don’t think everybody is supposed to know your innermost feelings. Some things are between you and God.
But at this time I am doing my best to dig inwardly and really assess what I’ve experienced and learned over the past year so I can determine who I want to be going forward. Age has actually been kind in many ways as it’s allowed me to grow in confidence and assurance of who I am. I still deal with insecurities like everyone else, but I feel certain of my gifts and purpose more than ever. That goes a long way in helping me to keep my eyes looking up and not on those around me. When we’re able to do that our chance for true success increases because our focus is properly placed.
So yeah, there are some things I’d really love to accomplish in the next year (releasing my album for instance), but even more than establishing goals, I am learning to release my grip on the need to control the outcome of my life. I have even come to enjoy the unexpected as it keeps me on my toes and free from the boredom of predictability. Every day is a new adventure that awaits! It may seem like a cliche but it really is true. Even if you have your day planned perfectly, you still have no idea what is going to happen. Really stop and think about that. There is something exciting in knowing that because it leaves room for surprises. Not all surprises are good of course, but the point is, some of them are downright amazing and they make life worth living. And while I may not always understand everything I go through, or even what God has in store tomorrow, I know He promises to work all things out for my good. So here’s to another year of the unexpected!
“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.” –James 4:13
“Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” –Psalm 90:14
