Approaching Another Crossroad
It’s been a rough year in some aspects, and as is common, it’s times like this that cause you to take stock of your life. It is also through difficulties that you find out what you’re made of. It’s often a time of reflection, but that seems to be a common theme with me anyway. I am certainly not one to live in the past, but I do seem to be in constant reflection, contemplating the past as a means to learn and grow. At this time my thoughts seem to constantly turn toward my youth and how it shaped me into the person I’ve become. There were good times and not-so-good times, but I know somewhere back there is a part of myself that I’ve left behind…perhaps forgotten, or even abandoned.
I guess I just got busy with life. For many years I’ve been so focused on the next great adventure that I didn’t notice time was passing radpily. So what now? I am 38 years old and soon I will cross the threshold of what some refer to as “middle age”. I never thought I’d see the day. In my own heart and mind I am just ‘me’, but society and biology won’t let you forget that you’re getting ready to enter a new stage of life. I’ve never been one to care much about the ever-shifting expectations of society, but we’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to our peers at times. I love the life I’ve lived, but it’s time to decide what I want to be going forward.
To do so may require me to develop a deeper understanding of who I truly am, what I truly believe, and then dig my heels in. Now I’ve certainly never been afraid of going against the grain, but facing yourself isn’t easy because it’s not always pretty. In fact, despite my desire to constantly nurture my child-like innocence, sometimes I find that I actually embrace parts of myself that I probably should have long since put to rest. Yup, I too have a dark side that I sometimes let out to play, but little by little I continue to bury it under heaps of ash. To the point that I even began to totally forget who I once was, but…
“Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it” -George Santayana
So I sit and remember. I laugh and I cry. I long and I yearn. But mostly I just think. And through it all I am blessed to have a wonderful husband to hold my hand, encourage me and love me unconditionally. He is the one thing from my past that I treasure more than any of it and a big part of what truly makes me who I am and who I want to be going forward. It’s incredible having someone in your life who’s been there from the beginning and who can help you figure it all out, because this head of mine can get a little cluttered.
